A Relational Wound: The Paradox of “Too Much” and “Not Enough”
Have you ever felt like you’re both too much and not enough at the same time? Perhaps you’ve been told […]
Read complete blog >>Have you ever felt like you’re both too much and not enough at the same time? Perhaps you've been told your emotions are too intense, your presence too demanding, or your desires too unrealistic. Or, at times, you may have felt that you are not good enough to be adequately loved and cared for.
In response to feeling both too much and not enough, you shrink yourself, making your feelings smaller, your needs quieter, your presence less noticeable. Also, you try to improve yourself, more like what you think is expected of you. And yet, despite this effort to contain yourself, an aching sense of “not enough” lingers. No matter how much you achieve, how well you perform, or how hard you try to be who others expect you to be, it still feels like you’re missing some invisible benchmark for worthiness, of being good enough just as you are.
A Relational Wound
We seek attunement and connection the moment we enter the world. Feeling both too much and not enough at the same time isn’t just a child's self-doubt. We call this a relational wound. It impacts how we navigate love, attachment, and emotional safety.
Object relations theory, developed by Ronald Fairbairn, suggests that when our caregivers struggle to meet our emotional needs, we don’t blame them. We blame ourselves.
A child will rather see themselves as “too much” or “not enough” than face the unbearable reality that love might be inconsistent or conditional.
Stephen Mitchell’s relational psychoanalysis highlights how these early experiences shape our adult relationships. We unconsciously recreate familiar dynamics. We fear we will either overwhelm or disappoint others if we show up as we truly are. This internalized fear impacts how we love, work, and see ourselves.
Relational Patterns
These early relational imprints don’t just disappear. They become patterns that influence how we interact with the world.
When we feel “too much,” we might,
- Apologize for our emotions
- Avoid conflict to keep relationships stable
- Feel guilty for having needs
And, when we feel “not enough,” we might,
- Overachieve to compensate
- Seek validation to feel worthy
- Struggle with perfectionism and self-criticism
In relationships, we may feel anxious about being a burden. We may also get caught up in relational patterns where we’re either overfunctioning or emotionally neglected. We might also struggle to trust that love can exist without earning it.
Feeling Enough
Healing from this paradox isn’t about convincing yourself that you are “enough” intellectually. When you experience relationships where others don't judge you and, instead, welcome your whole self, something will start changing in you. Healing occurs in your emotional world in safe relationships, such as therapy and deep friendships. When we experience meaningful connections, we can begin to rewrite the old script and create a new one. We can say to ourselves that,
- “My emotions are not too much; they are valid.”
- “I don’t have to perform to be loved.”
- “I am allowed to take up space, as I am.”
It takes time to undo these patterns. We heal in safe relationships where we are seen, heard, and held.
