Am I a People Pleaser?

What percentage of us (roughly) are people pleasers?

It is very difficult to estimate a percentage of people pleasers. Most of us will at some stage in our lives be a people pleaser. We will display people pleasing traits or behaviors, willingly or unwillingly. It may happen in a social context with friends and family, or in a professional context with colleagues and superiors. This is only normal. We are part of a social and professional system that requires a very wide range of inter-relational skills in order for us to be happy, appreciated and successful. Having said this, cross-cultural research has shown that it is more likely for a woman to be a people pleaser than a man. This is typically due to social and cultural influences.

When does people pleasing become an issue?

People pleasing can become a serious issue when you are no longer able to say “no”. You also start to neglect your own needs and feelings. This leads to resentment and frustration because you do not seem to get the level of acknowledgement and approval that you feel is due. More importantly though, extreme people pleasers are open to abuse and manipulation by others in a social or professional context. This would further affect one’s confidence and self-esteem. Ultimately, this may lead to people pleasers feeling physically and emotionally depleted which in turn could result in a “burn out”.

Why do we worry what people think?

It is human nature to want to be loved, appreciated and noticed. It is normal for us to worry about whether we are favorably perceived by friends, family and colleagues. However, we may become too worried about maintaining a certain image or persona in order to maximize our social and professional potential. Problems arise when our worrying becomes excessive and leads us to people pleasing behavior patterns to alleviate this anxiety.

What do we fear and how does this affect the way we behave in everyday situations?

Typical fears of people pleasers include rejection and lack of appreciation from others, as well as fear of failure. People pleasers are afraid to say “no” for fear of upsetting others and to avoid arguments or confrontation, even though they might not really want to “please” the other person. This fear will lead people pleasers to find themselves in unwanted situations, either socially or professionally, which they are not able to control. Everyday situations might include a woman’s inability to say no to invitations from her wider social network for fear of being excluded from other social events or being “unfriended” by friends and friends of friends, or a man’s inability to say “no” to his colleagues’ continuous requests for after-work socialising when he would rather spend time with his children. In a workplace, a people pleaser might find himself burnt out or depressed in order to accommodate the unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of a very demanding boss.

Does it stop us being our real selves?

The examples above show that people pleasers will try so hard to please and gain other people’s approval that they are indeed at risk of losing their identity and losing control over their environment. When that happens, others will neither expect nor respect the people pleaser’s opinions, which is not a real representation of the people pleaser’s real self in any case, because they have never been voiced as part of the discussion or decision-making in the past.

What kind of families create people pleasers? How do we become people pleasers?

There are several types of families that create people pleasers. For example, a child may become a people pleaser when they feel that they are not loved or appreciated by their parents. In some families the child needs to constantly seek the parent’s love and approval. Or, in some families the parents’ themselves are people pleasers. In the first example, the child will try to gain their parents’ love by being compliant and obedient for fear of being rejected by their parents’ unpredictable reactions. In the second example, the child will comply with their parents’ own needs and demands to seek their love approval. The last example shows us how the child will simply learn the behavior from their parents. None of these family dynamics are conducive to growing and nurturing a true sense of self and instilling self-confidence. This often depends on the parents’ own sense of self and how they behave themselves socially and professionally The first family dynamic is one in which children do not think that they are loved by their parents. These children feel unloved because of the parents’ unpredictable and irritated reaction to the children’s emotional and physical needs. In order to avoid hostility from the parents, the children will learn to adapt their behavior.  The children will do what they can to make the parents happy and seek their love and approval. People pleasers are also created in families in which love must be earned. Love depends on being good. Love is only given when a child is good and living up to their parent’s expectations. In these families children do not feel loved for who they are. They feel loved for what they do. Therefore, they seek approval and a way of seeking approval is to people please. Children learn that they can only enter relationships through self-denial, suffering and sacrificing their own emotions and needs.

Can you give me any tips on how to change people pleasing behavior?

The first thing to do is to notice the dysfunctional behavior pattern and your inability to say no. You need to become aware of your own needs. You need to know what you prefer so that you might be able to voice it. Also, you need to build your self-confidence. This will help you say "no".  You will also get positive feedback and increased respect from others. Is it hard to make time for yourself? Do you fear rejection? Does constantly pleasing others leave you physically and mentally exhausted? These questions may help in identifying and being aware of these issues. This is part of the process of change. Relationships are not only about giving but also about receiving. You need to identify unhealthy relationships in your life. You need to start building boundaries and re-assessing relationships. With time, you will learn that it is ok for you to say "no", without fearing of being loved less.